All the conflicts going on in our world—from those going on within ourselves to those that break families and communities to the brutal ones that pit nation against nation—are a stark reminder of why timeless spiritual teachings—which cutting-edge science, including quantum physics and transpersonal psychology, has been affirming—are useful, if not indispensable, guides for humanity’s survival and evolutionary development. The following piece is about the wisdom of choosing love and understanding over hatred and retaliation, and how knowledge in modern psychology can aid us in nurturing love, understanding, forgiveness, compassion, and so on, as permanent attitudes in our lives.

PART I

“Turning the other cheek” is a metaphor in the Christian doctrine that refers to responding to an offense with love and understanding, instead of retaliation. Love is the central message of the Gospel because it is primary in reality, or at the very least, deeply connected to the fundamental nature of what is real. Associated with the quantum field or unified field of consciousness by many quantum physicists and noetic scientists, love connects us with everyone and everything, and is in our very true nature.

   The Empty Boat: A Zen Story. Interestingly, there is a famous Zen story about “the empty boat” that shows why opting to “turn the other cheek” is not as foolish as it may seem, but actually wise.

   In the story, a man is happily sailing his boat on a river one day. Moments later, he spots another boat from afar. At first, he is delighted to know that he has company. Later, however, he notices that the boat is coming straight toward him at alarming speed. He yells and yells to call the attention of the sailor in the other boat but to no avail. The other boat eventually rams at his boat and he becomes exceedingly angry at the assailant until he calms down upon discovering that there is nobody in the other boat.

   Point of the Story. The point of the story is that it is unwise to get angry and incur hatred at people who hurt or cause suffering to us because the fact is that they are not being their true selves. As the late Zen teacher and peace activist Thich Nhat Hanh would say, a person will not cause suffering to another unless he is either ignorant of what he is doing, or he is suffering in some way—whether physically, emotionally, mentally, or otherwise. The offender is not himself because he is being driven by the unconscious force of his inner suffering (often caused by childhood wounds, unresolved trauma, chronic stress, and so on) or lack of proper conscious awareness.   Hence, it would be folly to retaliate against him for the hurt he is causing because this would only add to his suffering that is already overflowing. The more we suffer, the more we are likely to cause suffering to others; hence, what the offender really needs is not punishment, but love and understanding.

   It is no coincidence that the cycles of hatred and violence that have been going on in the Middle East and elsewhere seem to have no end in sight. Jesus cared for us when he said “Love your enemies.” And so did the Buddha when he said, “Hatred will not stop in this world by hatred, but by love or non-hatred. This is an eternal law.”

   Starting Over. Because we are human, it is normal in life to experience problems in our relationships. We may get hurt even by our own loved ones which may cause us to hurt them in return instead of turning the other cheek when we become empty boats ourselves. Incidents like this may lead to a strain in our relationships.

   When this happens, it should help that we remember the story of the empty boat. That way, it becomes easier for us to understand and forgive not only others but ourselves, and to return to our inherent loving nature—and start over again.

PART II

   How Knowledge in Psychology Can Help Us Practice Unconditional Love. Many modern spiritual teachers like Jack Kornfield, Fr. Thomas Keating, Tara Bach, and John Welwood have pointed out the importance of integrating knowledge in psychology into our spiritual practice and cultivation of unconditional love, understanding, forgiveness, compassion, and other related virtues. Of course, there is nothing like actually waking up to our transcendental and ineffable true nature by direct experience (invariably called “enlightenment,” “mystical experience,” “divine union,” “spiritual awakening,” and so on) in transforming  the way we see reality as a boundless, undivided whole (Stanislav Grof, Steve Taylor, Itai Ivtzan, etc.) —and living and loving accordingly—but psychological knowledge can also help us considerably in this regard in the following ways:

   1. Because psychology gives us insights into why people behave the way they do, it can help us respond to offensive or difficult behaviors with love and understanding rather than aversion or hatred.  For example, it shouldn’t be a stretch to say that hardly anyone likes a violent criminal for all the pain and suffering that he can cause. And the same could be said about a difficult mentally ill patient who becomes violent or annoying during his episodes of disorientation.  But the truth is that childhood trauma due to, say, abuse, neglect, and/or exposure to violence, is a significant factor in the development of criminal behavior and disruptive psychotic behavior in adulthood (Patricia Kerig, Walter Prather, Jeannie Golden, Stephen Becker, Nataleigh Van Horn, etc.). Knowing that criminals and difficult mentally ill people are really suffering inside and that their offensive actions are often unconscious attempts to alleviate their suffering, helps us foster empathy and compassion in dealing with them. Other possible causes besides childhood trauma that can drive a person to cause suffering to others include unresolved grief and loss, social isolation, substance abuse, cognitive distortions, and unmet needs (John Bowlby, Aaron Beck, Albert Bandura, Bruce Perry, etc.)

   On the matter of rehabilitating criminals, the problem with a retributive, rather than compassionate, approach is that it has been proven to be far less effective than the latter (Lindsay Fulham et al; Raynor and Gwen; Wiiliam Arbour, Guy Lacroix, and Steve Marchand; etc.) Study after study has shown, for example, that the more compassionate approach of restorative justice (involving victim-offender dialogue, reparation, empathy development, reconnecting with self, Higher Power, and society as a way of rehabilitation, etc.) is more effective in preventing recidivism among offenders. Psychologists play an important role in helping criminologists, legal experts, social workers, and other professionals develop restorative justice programs by providing insights into human behavior, emotional healing, conflict resolution, and so on.

   The words “health” and “healing” share a common etymological root derived from the Old English word hal which means “wholeness” or “to make whole.” One need not be a rocket scientist to figure out that love—which is in our boundless true nature and the very heart of all things—is more conducive to rehabilitating criminals and healing mental patients than the lack thereof. (Sadly, 54 countries today still maintain the death penalty and it is often in these countries where the excessive use of fear and intimidation to help control the behaviors of mentally ill patients still exists.)

    But offensive behavior is by no means the sole domain of criminals and difficult mentally ill patients. The very fact that we humans are all broken and wounded, at least to a point (Carl Jung, Marsha Linehan, Jonathan Gray, etc.), means that we are all worthy of understanding and compassion. After all, we all become “empty boats” in one way or another sometimes. Fortunately, we can become “wounded healers” (Jung), drawing on a deep understanding of our own wounds and inner suffering to empathize with, and heal, others.

   Another reason why turning the other cheek is wise and not just loving is that hatred and violence are contagious (Gary Slutkin and Charles Ransford; Ransford and Svetina; etc.) Think of the examples of division, discrimination, and lack of empathy that we show our youth when we approach problems with hostility, aggression, or indifference instead of love and compassion. Our youth are the ones who will replace us someday in our present roles in family, business, government, church, and so on; hence, we do our world a favor by passing on unconditional, universal love to our children and future generations—especially since the root cause of all our social and ecological problems in our world is our illusory sense of separation (John Seed, Tema Milstein).

   2. Psychology encourages self-awareness and emotional intelligence which are important factors in effective spiritual practice. For example, Jesus’ commandment “Love your neighbor as yourself” is a cornerstone of Christian ethics and practice that is echoed in all the world’s great religions. For a long time now, we have focused too much on love for neighbor in the equation at the expense of healthy self-love. Unfortunately, we can only love others to the extent that we love ourselves. The more we don’t accept and love ourselves unconditionally, the greater our need for the love and approval of others which makes us too self-focused that it undermines our capacity to love (Carl Rogers, Abraham Maslow, Nathaneil Braden, Kristin Neff, etc.). As a consequence, we may resort to such ego-defense mechanisms and negative coping strategies as projection, people-pleasing, perfectionism, self-criticism, displacement, denial, and others, that prevent us from loving others fully. Self-awareness allows us to better understand ourselves and release negative patterns while realizing our true worth, thereby also enabling us to see the good in others and understand their suffering.

   In this connection, meditation and mindfulness are powerful tools for enhancing self-awareness and breaking negative patterns through present-moment awareness, emotional regulation, empathy for others, self-compassion, cognitive flexibility, and so on (Jon Kabat-Zinn, Zndel Segal, Mark Williams, Tara Bach, etc.). It is no happenstance that meditation and mindfulness are increasingly being integrated into psychiatric practice. Besides the aforementioned, these practices of stilling the mind also help in stress reduction, improved focus and attention, pain management, and better sleep, among others.

   3. Knowledge in psychology can help us resolve conflicts. This is because we can better discern the root causes of conflicts, e.g., ego fears, subconscious reactions, underlying emotions, biases, misunderstandings, etc., when we understand why people behave the way they do. By gaining insight into these aspects, we can address issues with greater compassion and understanding.

   It is interesting to note in this regard that neuroscience is increasingly being integrated into psychiatric practice and psychology in general because many psychiatric disorders have a neurobiological basis (Meliss Arbuckle, David Ross,  Nadine Dijkstra, Laurence Kirmayer, etc.), and that neuroscience is actually offering new hope for a more peaceful world by helping peace workers understand the neural basis of violent behavior and what can help to change it (Colette Rausch, Douglas Fields, Lasana Harris, Michael Nickonchuk, etc.). In fact, there is a new branch of psychology called neuropsychology which explores how the brain's structure and functions relate to specific psychological processes and behaviors.

   Many pertinent research findings show that hacking our brains for peace can best be done through such contemplative practices as (again!) meditation and mindfulness because 1.) they reduce activity in the brain’s “me-center” such that they increase compassion; and 2.) they increase gray matter in areas of the brain that govern the capacity to forgive, and play roles in emotional regulation. This is very important because there is an overlap between the brain circuits that process hatred and violence as well as those that process love and peace. This binary relationship means that stimulation of these brain circuits toward one direction reduces their activity in the other. For example, the more one loves, the more the brain is wired for less hatred. There are also similar binary relationships between flow and prejudice, forgiveness and resentment, empathy and apathy, and so on (Douglas Fields).

   4. Knowledge in psychology can help in creating supportive communities that embody love and compassion, even in the face of challenges. For example, positive psychology helps in this regard by focusing on 1.) individual and community strengths, so that a sense of empowerment, positivity, and gratitude is fostered; 2.) resilience to help individuals and communities bounce back from adversity, and maintain a supportive, optimistic environment even during times of crises; and well-being whereby the use of such techniques as mindfulness and savoring positive experiences to enhance overall well-being contributes to a more compassionate and connected community (Martin Seligman, Christopher Peterson, Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, Barbara Fredickson, etc.).

   Final Word. Since our reality is made up of consciousness, not matter, at the most fundamental level of being, as mystic saints and quantum physicists now agree, we as conscious beings help co-create our reality (William James, Bernardo Kastrup, Donald Hoffman, Ken Wilber, etc.). This means that as co-creators of reality who envision a world of universal love and peace, the best way we can transform our present troubled world is at the level in which we are directly connected with it: consciousness. This means that any success we can achieve in effecting a transformation of our consciousness into a more unitive one, results in a corresponding positive transformation of our world.

   The peace activist Nhat Hanh likened our mind to a garden. We can choose to plant the seeds of love, understanding, forgiveness, and compassion in that garden every day, or we can choose to plant the seeds of hatred, resentment, aversion, and violence which, if unchecked, would grow into weeds that could spread, overtake, and eventually destroy the garden. Fortunately, we can always choose the first and integrate psychology principles into our spiritual practice.

    It may not be amiss to mention in this connection that the use of love and compassion in psychiatric practice has been found to be extremely beneficial for both patients and practitioners alike because it helps build trust, reduce stigma, enhance therapeutic relationships, encourage self-compassion, promote healing, and so on which lead to better clinical outcomes (Paul Gilbert, J.C. Watson, Carl Rogers, SuEllen Hamkins, etc.). But this is a topic for another day. Suffice it to say that there is indeed wisdom in turning the other cheek and that knowledge in psychology can help us nurture love, understanding, forgiveness, compassion, and so on in our lives.